digression 11 (dreams and thoughts)

So last night was the first night I have had a dream about Oliver for a long time, like months and months.

It's a sad feeling to know I haven't had any dreams about him, just as much it is sad to see his face again in some lively way, other than a photo or video.

Them dreams where it feels so real, as if your actualy there, but you wake up knowing its impossible.

However much you try and get back to sleep for the desperation to be back in that moment with your child, but you just can't is heart stopping.

I am in no way religious, neither do I belive in any other higher power, but I would say I'm slightly jealous of Ashley Cain. Whenever I see his posts about feeling blessed that he's daughter has sent him a sign.

There's just something in me that I can't bring myself to belive, I wonder if it's the fact that I'm angry at my child passing on, or if it's just something I have been Brought up with. I suppose other factors could be part of this, but I would say I am jealous beacuse I would love the feeling of knowing my son was sending me a message or something.

Was this dream a message, was that his way of saying I'm still with you dad. 

I guess I will never know, but it was nice all the same. He's been on my mind allot lately, as there are some significant days not to far ahead that are making me reflect on his life more so.

The dream in itself wasn't a bad dream, I mean we already lived the nightmare so to speek. It was Oliver at home with me and mum, still attached to all the wires and the monitors, but he was home. 

I remember feeling so calm in my dream, like a peaceful essence surrounding me. I so desperately want to belive this was a sign from him, a blessing if you will. You see me and Frances want to try again for a baby, this might have been his way of saying its time.

I wish I had more dreams about him, but you don't get to choose do you. All I know is if and when I do, I won't be taking them for granted.

This morning as I write this though, I can't help but feel down and sad, however much I want to be happy, I mean England are playing in the quarter finals of the euro so I should be buzzing, but i just can't shake it today.

The best thing about having the dream was when I woke up, frances was by my side and I just gave her a slight cuddle. That comfort and inner peace from waking up next to some one you love is just undescribable, mabey that's what Oliver was trying to say to me. Dad you and mummy are made for eachother, and I will be there with you in your hearts to guide you through.