15th/16th August: first and only family visits.

15th August: After the meetings and the desicion to move forward with paletive care, things moved fairly fast. I made my feelings rather clear that if it was going to happen then it needed to happen within the next few days. The reason for this was because it would have been torture on us to prolong oliver, knowing what we know.

Do I regret rushing it, yes, yes I do, but I know why I felt like I had to and as above, it would have been so hard on us knowing at some point we would have to decide when olivers time was up. In my mind the faster the better as not to prolong the pain and the burden of seeing him in the position he was in, or to extend our pain of loosing our son. (Hope that makes sence)

But it is something that I think about allot, what if we had waited another week, we could have had more time, more cuddles, but that would have been greedy. To hold onto him for another week or so would have been nice, but realisticly it was time.

On the 15th we got a special little room, infact it was the room we held the meeting in. Oliver was wheeled through in his incubator, reconnected to the wall and gas ect. As me and Frances waited in the room for her parents/family to visit, we couldn't still wrap our heads around how real this really was. On behalf of myself it didn't seem real, it seemed like I was living through some one else, like a dream, but I couldn't wake up from. 

As her family made there way in the emotions were just surreal. A staggered approach was used as you could only have a few in the room at any one time so the family was split through out the day. 

Below is frans parents seeing Oliver in person for the first time.

Frans mother.

Frans father.

16th August: fathers side.

Again back into that little room they wheeled oliver through and set him up again as they did the day before. Again myself and Frances just waiting patiently for the first of my family to arrive, even now after yesterday's visit it still hadn't sank in that it was all coming to an end.

Only describing it from my point of view, but seeing my family (frans family included) upset has its own kind of pain. Seeing them upset about a grandson, brother, nephew and cousin that's only 2 days away from passing is just unfathomable.

Having our families come over was a highlight for us, and for Oliver. The sence of happiness and sorrow for our families must have been so hard to deal with, and probably still is. Imagine never having seen your grandson, nephew ect, but only through photos. 

My mother. 

Other family.

Over the weekend there was so much family that turned up and every person that walked in had this overwhelming sence of sorrow. 

Up until now none of them had even seen oliver except for photos. 

None of them had a real concept of what it would actually be like to see him, not how me and fran would see him on a daily basis anyway.

So when they first layed eyes on oliver there was this sence of shock. Its easy for us to describe oliver and what we had seen, even the pictures didn't portray what it was really like.

Out of all the family that visited one persons visit meant more to me than any one else's, and that was my daughter Rose.

Rose actually got to see her brother for the first time ever. Out of the whole pandemic and olivers story, there was no one else I wanted to see Oliver more. Rose had been this proud big sister who just wanted to see her little brother, and no matter what I wanted I just couldn't let her come before. Covid had managed to put a stop to all visits for her and all the family.

Having Rose there made me so happy, but I did worry about what effect this may have. In all honesty I did think about not having her visit, this was due to what she don't see she won't miss. I did choose for her to visit in the end and this was due to her being able to make a little bond with him and to hold him and to take photos that she will always be able to look back on.

It was the right choice and I'm now so happy she came, she played with olivers toys with him and bopped him on the nose, she even held him and in them moments she was the big sister she wanted to be.

Rose olivers big sister, the face of the proudest big sister in the world.

Next, mum and dad's final full day with Oliver, bath time.