18th August: Oliver 26/4/20 - 18/8/20

So, I have been putting this one of for sometime now, waiting for the right moment to take the time to write it.

It's taken me a good few attempts to do parts, and then to come back and add more over the last few days.

However I have come to Finnish it, and although this is the end of olivers story, it's not the end of his legacy.

Olivers story has radiated with so many, and in some future blogs you will see how loosing a child has effected myself and family, but how oliver has influenced good and charitable work.

Please read this with caution and please leave feedback, this has been hard to Finnish, but worth it for me. It has brought me to tears, but most of all its brought me clarity and a weight feels like its been lifted, this has been an amazing way to deal with my bereavement, and I highly recommend this as a way to help manage the loss of a child.

Nothing really seemed real at this point, it was like you were doing something that every cell in your body was against. The night before coming into the hospital was one filled with sadness, sadness because we were saying goodbye to our son, but sadness because we knew life would go back to being life before Oliver, even if it wouldn't really be the same.

18th August: Oliver was in the separate room where he had been over the last few days, and it was agreed the day before that we could spend some time with him. It was also agreed that we would have the decision, when ready to go forward with the process if letting oliver pass.

Waking up early, if we slept at all, the first thing we did was pack. The sad reality of knowing we wouldn't need to be staying at the Ronald Mcdonald house hadn't really hit us. 

We called frans parents as they was going to be with us, but they wasn't sure if they were up to being in the room when it was time. So with them called and us packed we left to go see Oliver.

Walking over to the hospital knowing it was going to be the last time we would ever be going in to see Oliver, was one of the most upsetting walks I have ever done up to this point.

Walking through the doors and onto the ward, walking past all the other babies was so hard. Parents that you had briefly seen and spoke to still clutching to their child's incubators. All I could think about was I hope you never have to go where I'm going.

The sad looks on the nurses faces, even in there welcoming smiles was apparent. You knew they had such admiration for the choices we had made and what we were about to go through. They knew even tho we wasn't smiling we had so much admiration for what they had done for Oliver and what they continue to do.

Once in the room with Oliver, it was if the outside world was shut off, it was just me, Oliver and Frances. 

The nurse sat outside and me and Frances just held him and spoke to him and told him how much we loved him. 

Around an hour later frans parents arrived at the hospital. I can't remember to clearly, but I belive frans mum came in and had another cuddle, while her dad was happy to wait outside. 

After a few hours or so, we decided that we was ready. Frans mum found this to hard and had to wait outside. In all honesty I didn't mind if she was in the room when it came to it, but I think it meant so much more to us, that it was just us.

The nurses came in and spoke to us and explained what might happen. There was other specialist doctors there while speaking to us also, just explaining procedures ect. The hard to swallow part was when they said he might thrash about or look like he is in pain, but he isn't. (I didn't even know if I could do this)

Once all was explained the nurses said that they will leave the room and let me and fran be with Oliver as he slowly drifts off, and if we feel like he has passed or if we feel that something isn't right just to call them.

(In my mind I was preying that he went quickly and calmly)

At 10:50 Oliver was placed in his mums arms and with me right beside her holding onto olivers hand, the nurses began to remove olivers wires. Dressed in his mummy and daddy are the best onsie, looking like a beautiful baby, his breathing tube was finally removed.

Alone in the room with just his parents, Oliver layed so still in his mummy's arms, I just remember stroking his hand and telling him its ok to go.

Watching the colour drain from his skin was the sadest thing I have ever seen. Who Oliver was and his character, his personality was just fading away in front of my eyes.

I said to him it's ok son, you have made us so proud, but you can go, you don't need to fight anymore, we love you.

After 5 minuts oliver looked as tho he had passed, I got the nurse and she checked his heart. Heartbreaking oliver still had a shallow beat, but all signs pointed that it wouldn't be long.

After 5 more minuts I brought the nurse back in who checked his heart and confirmed that Oliver had passed.

Oliver layed so still and didn't move, there was no struggle and oliver went peacefully within 10 minuts. 

I think at the time I was beyond emotional, I didn't even cry. I wanted to, but I just couldn't, everything was happening so fast. The thoughts all rushing round at once, and although we knew it was happening and it had just happened it hadn't registered.

I remember just calling my mum and trying to keep it together, "he's passed".

As soon as them words came out my mouth, I broke, sucking in my gut I went back in and just comforted Frances, she was so strong.

I belive what someone told me after, that Oliver must have known, and the reason he didn't struggle is because he was showing us he was ready to go.

Oliver had fought so much in the short life he lived, but he now didn't need to fight no more.

At 11:08 oliver-Cash gained his wings, he went peacefully with his mummy and daddy holding him, and holding his hands. He was not in pain and he does not need to fight on anymore. He showed great strength and kept going till he couldn't go any further. I want to say thank you to every one who supported us through this, and to all the hospitals and all the staff that supported oliver.

Without them and Oliver's fighting spirit we would never have got this far. We are so grateful for nearly the 5 months oliver gave us, and for the smiles, the crying faces also the bath and all the little things we got to do with him. As a family we feel so proud to be his parents, not only was he our son but he was a brother, grandson, and so much more. He was a hope and inspiration to so many other family's who were, and are going through the nicu journey and to the family's of premature babies. 

The moments after Oliver passed were just beyond words. There was paper work that needed completing, but frans dad sorted all of that. We agreed to get 3d castings made of his hands and feet and some more moulds that we now have on display.

I said all day I wasn't going to get a picture of Oliver after he passed, but laying there in his moses basket without any wires ect, he looked so cute and at peace I had to.

These photos for me are so precious and are for myself and Frances, and they are something I don't want on Facebook ect. 

I have replenished the colour in his face and he looks as tho he is just a sleeping baby, and to me thats comforting.

Life cannot prepare you for going through a journey such as this, and I hope that none of you have to. Although if you're reading this, you have probably been through it, or are going through it.

I can only hope that your story has a positive outcome And my thoughts are with you all.

Appreciation:

Thank you again to every one for the support, and to Oliver we love you and you will always be with us, we Love you. 26/4/20 - 18/8/20 💙

Next: first day home