Arriving home and the next few days.

18th August: Going home.

Where to start, we'll driving home after saying goodbye to Oliver there was just this sence of numbness. There was this cloud of negativity hovering over us all, its as if we wanted to talk about what just happened, but we also didn't. 

Emotions where very high to say the least, I remember just updating my Facebook post to let everyone who had been such a support network to me know the sad news. I guess this was my way of proccesing it, throughout Oliver being alive I always updated Facebook to keep people posted, so thats what I done.

The first moments home just didn't feel completely right. We got through the door and took up our suit cases, and then just looked at eachother. Nothing was said, but I gave Frances a big cuddle and then we went downstairs. I belive I had something strong to drink just to ease myself, Frances just sat on her phone, probably to just take her mind of everything that had just happened. 

The whole day was just trying to face facts that our time in London was done, and our normality for the last 5 months was done. 

It's hard to describe, but it really felt like we was home for the weekend from Ronald Mcdonald, and that we would be going back to see him in a day or 2.

That's what it felt like, and that's why I guess the first day was not how I would have expected it. I was expecting there to be lots of crying and emotional outburst, but there was nothing, not from me or Frances anyway.

During part of the day frans mum just up and left the house, things just got to much for her I guess. I remember just asking where she had gone, but no one knew. I took a walk out just because I needed to get some air, and fran had a rough idea where her mum would be so I walked that way. Eventually I did bump into her and we just sat on the floor and had a chat, then we came home.

My biggest worry was Frances, I felt like I had to put my feelings aside to be strong for her. In reality I didn't, but at the time I just kept asking if she was OK and can I do anything, probably to much, but I didn't know how to deal with the whole situation. She would always reply I'm fine, and I would do the same, but I knew I wasn't fine, so I knew that she wasn't, but neither of us wanted to make the other feel worse.

The first night me and Frances didn't get much sleep, but this is when it kicked in. Laying there with Frances with olivers clothes in the wardrobe, and other little bits that just reminded us of him, just sadend us. Other items that we got ready in preparation of him coming home had been removed, which was nice, but the clothes ect where still where we left them. 

That night I just layed with his bean bag and cried, and boy did I cry. Frances was a diamond and she stayed awake with me and just held me. In that moment she comforted me so much I fell asleep in her arms.

It was if all of the emotions from the last 5 months all came at once.

I often wonderd what was going through her mind as she isn't one to open up, but there where times in the days that followed that she needed my support. 

She had agreed to take counselling from the hospital, and although this helped, bad days where bad days.

I didn't know how or what to do and now, I guess I still don't, but I tried my best and that's all I could do.

As days went on and they were full of tears and cuddles and just talking about him, but people grieve in different ways, and I will get to this in a separate blog.

Oliver at this point was still at St Thomas, but was due to arrive at the Demelza hospice the next day.

Also just Skipping a few days, one of the groups I was in on Facebook, (to do with premature babies ect)

Organised a wave of light for Oliver. The whole group lit candles in honour of our son and family and friends joined in. The emotional support we got from this was amazing, it brought us up a little just to know there was so many people that cared.

This was on the 21st August. 

Next, Demelza and cold cot.