3rd birthday soon

It's been a while since I have wrote a post, not because I haven't wanted to, but things get in the way. 
My phone lock screen is a picture of Oliver, so I see him everyday and I think about him every day. Not that I have ever not thought about Oliver, but I am even more so with his 3rd birthday fast approaching. Allot of thoughts go through my mind, mostly why did this happen, why did it have to happen, and what can I do to honour his memory.

I finally got back into kickboxing after a good half a year off and it's exactly what I needed. I started going to kickboxing after Oliver passed, it was a way for me to be able to express my anger and guilt, also to just relive built up furtsration. 

I spoke to myself in the gym last night when I hit that wall, where the idea of one more push up was one to far. I though how my boy faught like a warrior, a champion and if he could show such strength and resilience then why couldn't I do the same. I pushed because he did, and how I was pleading with him to fight, I had to give myself that same prep talk. 

It's a strange feeling to push yourself, but it comes naturally after a while and that natural progression after grief varies for many. Going back to my sons 3rd birthday, soon to arrive, I feel that dragging back feeling, but I'm not going to get drawn back. There's nothing back there for me, I have done that part and to  do my son proud is to push and live.




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