eye open and a turn for the worst

4th of April: well this was a special day for me; things seemed to have settled and we were on a good track. From previously being worried about the blood transfusion, things were slowing down and although his haemoglobin and glucose levels were still up and down, he in himself seemed good. 

It was during my visit this day that I was blessed with being able to change his nappy for the first time. Clearly scared, looking at his small and fragile body. I thought how in the world am I supposed to do this  . Changing a nappy on a full-term baby is stressful lol, but on a micro preemie with legs the size of an average finger I genuinely thought “omg I'm going to break him”. But with gentle help and encouragement from the nicu nurse, the nappy change was a success (glad to report he didn't break).

 As the nurse pointed out, they are stronger than they look. I would encourage any parent in the nicu to do as much as possible. Be as hands on as you can possibly be; when the time came, it made me feel more like a parent than a visitor. And this only strengthens the bond between you both. 

Back to changing his nappy… it was during this I got an even better surprise. And no, it wasn't a nappy full of poo. At just over 24wks old, while changing his nappy, Oliver opened his left eye and looked straight at me. The emotions I experienced in this moment were unreal… my boy was looking at me! (I probably looked like a horrible blob to him, but I was a very proud and happy blob). 

With the other eye still sealed closed, I made a joke with him, and later on to his mum, that he had to save the other eye for her. 

On the 5th of April came another small but mighty milestone. Oliver had managed 10 days in nicu. Our 23wk baby was fighting from day one and with the 3% survival rate given, he was sure proving them wrong. 

6th April: This is where things slowly started to turn against us and him. 

What started off as a routine visit soon turned 180. We were given then news that he had to have another set of bloods given, and then were told that blood was found on his breathing tube, as well as in and around his mouth. Further investigation went on to show that he had 2 lung bleeds (one small and one large). This subsequently led to him needing a higher oxygen input. To say I was devastated would be an understatement; the calm ride was about to come to an end and whatever positivity I had felt was dwindling fast. 

This was on a whole new level to a routine blood transfusion; this was the next level… this was the stuff that got the nurses worried. Shaken and overwhelmed, the nicu contacted us and said it was under control and he was stable. I think it was from this point that I became to feel very glum about Oliver’s health. As positive as I wanted to be, I just couldn't help but constantly feel like he was going to die. The anxiety of living day-to-day just waiting for bad news was unbearable. But it was something I had to just deal with; in hindsight, it was probably from this point counselling would have been a good idea. 

Also, for the dads that are reading, it was also at this point I began considering taking my paternity leave very soon… yea, the 2 whole weeks. People kept saying to me, “you’re better off taking it when he's home”, but in my mind, I kept thinking “but what if he doesn’t come home?” because I knew it was a possibility. I held off on taking my paternity leave for a few extra days, and you will soon see why in the next post.

Also, I will be discussing my thoughts on this, and my thought process at the time probably via a digression lol. 

7th April: Oliver was settled and comfortable and no news is good news. But... I noticed his belly was slightly swollen, it’s hard to see from the picture below but it was visible to me. 

I questioned the nurses about this and was assured it was fine. They came over and done observations on him and checked his belly and his stats were fine. As his father, I wasn't totally convinced, and it seems my gut instinct was correct. 

This will also be explained on the next blog post otherwise this one will become way too long. 

8th April: I went to see Oliver in the morning and he just looked unwell. It's hard to describe when you say it, but I saw him and I could just tell. Again, I asked the nurses, but his stats were all fine (well, in range of what they would like). You might be able to see here his stomach is slightly bigger? 

After a standard day at nicu with Oliver seemingly ok despite my concerns, I left feeling as though something wasn't right, but happy that he was OK. 

Next... a call to Oliver’s mum..."this is nicu, we need you and your partner to come down ASAP".