A Fathers story: Nicu survivor, prematurity, loss, and covid

20th June: So behind the scenes of everything, something magical was happening. Oliver had made the front page of the Sun newspaper. It was something we was expecting, as we had been in contact with them for some time. With Oliver doing his absolute best with only a few minor set backs, home wasn't a too distant dream.  At this moment in time I was the proudest father in the world, I couldn't contain my joy of seeing this. I went out a brought like 5 copies and they were just for myself. All the family went out and bought loads, don't think we could get enough copies lol. There was a joy that I knew would bring comfort to the 10s of thousand or more readers, that miracles do happen. It was a sence of comfort knowing any one who was going through this could read and be posotive about there journey. Going far back to the very beginning of olivers journey, I remember going online to find success stories of 23wk preemie and not finding very much. So for me to get th

17th June: As in my last blog post, I wrote about how there was another baby just came in and was premature and so so small. She was a 24wk little girl, I didn't catch the name as it was all rush, rush, rush. As I sat next to Oliver in the small corner of the room, I could see the nurses work frantically around her incubator just to keep her stable. Not being nosey, but overhearing, the little girl only weighing in at 310g made me go back to when Oliver was born. Sitting there filled with empathy and feeling my anxiety rise, I just wanted to escape, but I couldn't, I was there for Oliver.  My eyes diverting all over the place, looking at Oliver, looking at the little girls incubator, but then looking at the mum standing over her daughters incubator. Man I can't tell you how I felt, I wanted to talk to her, comfort her, but what would I even say. The tears in her eyes took me back to where I had been at the beginning of Olivers journey. There was a silent acknowledgement whe

17th June: Over the night it seems Oliver went slightly down hill, high indicators show another infection. When I say another infection, I mean he was always having them. I don't always put them in the blogs as it would get tedious, but most weeks he had one. Also by infection, i have played it down, it was sepsis.  Due to this he was placed back onto the high frequency ventilator.   They also decided due to his weight and the concerns he was on the smaller side, they would skip the recycling and get him strait into the stoma reversal surgery in about 2 weeks. Happy this was going to happen so that we could move forward, but again filled with worry as it was another surgery. My boy who had gone through so much, just had to get through this one and then we was out of the worst of it. Just getting this done and knowing we can get him home was the only thing that kept me sane.  It was also said to me that he needed to reach 2kg in total, so they felt safe doing

16th June: I went in to see Oliver on this day, I know this because in the photos my hand is in them lol. Oliver had gained some new items, he had gained a pair of socks on his hands, not mittens but socks. It seemed Oliver was one for pulling out his breathing tube, so as a precautionary measure he had these on till we got him some mittens. Laying there all snug, looking relaxed and just had all his cares done, Oliver was just so calm. I sat with him for a good few hours before going back. As I was just leaving the doctors explained he was having an eye test today. It was good timing for me, as explained previously, I hate the eye tests.  Returning a few hours later after some lunch and coffie the nurses/doctors pulled me aside. It seemed the routine eye tests had picked up some abnormalities in his eyes. They had suspected that this was stage 2 R,O,P. For those who may not know the link is below.  https://www.rnib.org.uk/eye-health/eye-  conditions/retinopathy-of-prematur

11th June: with all the recent events and the good news we was receiving and viewing, it was nice to see a pathway out. Upon going to the hospital on this day, we was given an even clearer way out and a road map was set out. They wanted to start Oliver on a routine practice called recycling, this is when they take out what's collected in the stoma bag and push it through the bowel that's not currently being used. This helps to get the bowel ready for when it's reconnected post surgery. Again for us fantastic news, I remember thinking, we can do this, we can win this fight. They wanted to start the recycling very soon, but only with water to start with and then working up to his fecal waste in his stoma bag. Oliver also had a contrast scan on his bowel, this was to make sure things still looked good. Also on this day he was having his heart scan, I never liked when they had to do tests, it always felt like an experiment to me. Adding on to this, I was always apri

Starting from the biginning of our journey with oliver, we knew this wasnt going to be an easy road, but it was one we was going to see through. However, after 2 months + or 70 some odd days in total of our Nicu journey so far, the stress started to show. Mysef and frances were beginning to crack, and in fairness we had every right to. Im sure the signs of stress started to show probably early on, but now being in eachothers pockets and being away from home, it was starting to effect us in ways we didnt think it would. The first signs of us begining to crack i would say is, some how we would be a little snappy with eachother, not being mean or horrible, but it seemed our tollorence levels where wearing thin. With all the emotions built up around oliver it was only time before it started to have an effect on our relationship. As the days went on and our time in london was forever extending, this also played a factor on us begining to crack. With lockdown stopping us from having any such

7th June: unfortunatly on this day neither I or frances could attend the hospital, it was so long ago now, but I belive this to be a weekend, we usually went home on the weekends. The only interaction we got on these days was from the vcreate, but it was better than nothing. Sitting at home always worried as you do, knowing your helpless little child is laying in an incubator, and you're not there, it has this unimaginable mental strain. It's something you can't write about or explain fully, unless you have been through it. Fortunatly for us we got the best vcreate video imaginable. To this day I would have to say out of all the videos and pictures, this is still my favourite. (Comparison to an average full term baby vest 0-3 months) In the video below you are going to see Oliver in his very first baby vest, but also you are going to hear him make the first sound he has ever made. As much as this video brings me so much joy, I can't help but feel like I miss

This is just a short digression about our accommodation. Due to covid and the restrictions we were unable to stay at the Ronald McDonald charity home, as this was shut. The impact I can only imagine for other parents would be the same as what we felt, and that was, well how are we going to be able to see our child. Traveling everyday to and from London wasn't pheasable, neither was it cost effective. Besides from petrol there was other charges so this made us anxious about how we would see our son. Luckily for us we were fortunate enough to be aloud to stay in the nurses quarters, gassiot house. This was situated just outside of the main entrance of St Thomas's. This was only temporary, this again gave us the worry we shouldn't have had. We was already worried about our son and to have to worry about accommodation just to see him was unbearable. While we was at gassiot house, they aloud us to be put on the waiting list for Ronald mcdonald house. Other worries were, can we s

2nd June:  So today was an unusual day filled with some good news. Starting of they had told me that they had canceled his scheduled pda operation. Not surprised as this had been cancelled numerous times before. The good news was that they had canceled the operation due to Oliver having a scan and the pda duct was practicly closed. This was amazing news not only for the fact it had shut, but more so that he didn't need to go through another operation, this made us extremely happy. All the weeks of ups and downs and he is, he isn't, had all finally come to an end. The next step for Oliver was to stay in london to have his stoma reversal. It was agreed for him to stay in london, mainly to do with how he reacted to the trip to London. As you may remember from previous blog posts, he didn't take the trip well. Also he was scheduled for another eye test just to be sure they didn't miss anything. I hated the eye tests, when it was my turn to be in with him, when he had them,I