Hello Oliver, I'm your dad

I remember this day so clearly in my mind, I would say out of all the best days in my life this had to be up there along with the birth of my first born. On the morning of the 28th March 2020 I arrived at the hospital. Sitting in the car with Frances, I couldn't believe what I was about to do. I was about to go and see my son for the first time and I was filled with so much happiness, while at the same time feeling so scared it was like I couldn't control my emotions. I remember just shaking. Frances gave me some words of encouragement and said, “you will be fine”. I was still trying to get my head around him actually being here, as well as knowing I was going to be going in there alone; I just didn't know what to expect. 

I made my way into the hospital and found myself ready to enter the doors of the nicu ward. Up until this point I had never really heard of nicu, I didn't know what I was going to see. I made my way through and I introduced myself as Oliver’s dad. It was a nice welcome, they made me feel so comfortable and explained they had been expecting me. They gave me a prep talk before I entered and also gave me a very detailed hand washing routine (not specifically due to covid but because of the vulnerability of the babies). After I washed my hands, I was escorted to these double white doors and it was explained to me that on the other side of this door was my son. It took me a minute to compose myself, I could see through the thin gaps in the glass the incubators and the nurse pointed through the glass and said, "the first one on the left is your son".

 It's a strange feeling as all my heart wanted to do was get in there, but my fight or flight instinct just wanted me to leave. I believe now it's probably because I knew as soon as I walked through those doors, I was about to enter a world where nothing was going to be the same and what was happening was about to become reality (I know it already was but it was about to get very real). 

I pushed the door open and instantly you’re met with all these sounds; beeps, alarms, nurses talking and so much more. I made my way over to my son’s incubator and it was covered with a light, delicate blanket to keep the lights off him and his sensitive skin. With hesitation I lifted the blanket and folded it over the top, and that's when I saw my son for the first time in person. Tears instantly filled my eyes and I stared at him through blurry vision. A nurse came up to me and explained he was doing rather well for a 23wk baby and I remember acknowledging her, but my eyes didn't leave my son. She gave me a chair and lowered the incubator. As you can imagine, I took so many videos and pictures. 

His skin looked red raw and his tiny, tiny fingers and toes were just unbelievable to see. As I looked up, I noticed all these incubators, some empty and some with babies of all different ages. There were a few other parents, and although no one said a word to each other, there was a sense of acknowledgement and understanding when you glanced at each other.

As I sat there not saying a word, just looking at my son, I experienced my first rush of panic in the nicu ward... you will know the one I mean if you have ever been there. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep… my son’s monitor lit up, flashing an Amber coloured light, and beeping away. My heart sank, and I don't remember the last time I panicked so much; it felt like my worst fears were becoming reality. But to my surprise, the nurses just walked over and pushed a button and it stopped. I was in a state of confusion about what was happening, as a complete newbie I was thinking the absolute worst. But the nurse explained that it was common, and it's just the machines picking up variations in what they’re monitoring. This is when she offered me the best advice that I carried through the whole nicu journey to come, "if we aren't worried then you don't need to be". If anyone is reading this, and they’re new to nicu, please take this advice… it has saved me from overthinking on many occasions. 

Anyway, as I sat with my son, the nurse said you can open the incubator doors and touch him. I was reluctant because of his skin but was assured its fine. I opened the door and felt this warm air, my finger touched the bottom of his foot and I felt this little kick back as I slowly stroked him. My finger was the size of his whole leg and it was a sight to see. I lost track of the amount of time I stayed with him that day, but I know I was there a good while. Before I left, I was given the information that he was doing well, and although it had been a few days he seemed to be doing okay. That was all I needed to hear. I asked what the protocol for visits were, and it was agreed both myself and Fran could visit, but this had to be done separately. Although we couldn't go in together, this in itself was great news. 

I left the hospital that day fulfilled but empty, knowing we weren't going to be bringing our child home broke me. But I knew he was in the best hands and for that I was grateful. But just before I left, I made a promise to my son that he would get the 15 minutes of fame and recognition that he deserved for fighting so hard. I kept this promise as you will eventually see. 

Coming next is the following weeks from this point... still going day by day, but this is when we got our first glimpse at what a journey this was going to be....