he's here !!

So we have reached the point where I can say my life irreversibly changed and will never be the same.
For most of my life I have been like a captain of a boat; I’ve just sailed through life really.
I have had some low points and I have had some high points. But nothing was going to prepare me for what I was about to go through. 
(Yes, me and my partner at the time went through it together, but this is just my own account and my feelings)

After a scary few days from Boris putting us into lockdown and not knowing if I was going to be a Dad again from one morning to the next, the day finally came.
I can only describe these days as some of the worst I have experienced in my life because at this time everything was so completely out of my control. What with lockdown and visiting arrangements, I couldn't even get to the hospital and everything I heard was second hand news. I was so upset; I think I cried so much in the few days prior to our son being born that I had all but dried up.

At this very moment in time I felt about as alone as you could get. I was living with my Uncle at the time and he was supportive, but I couldn't actually vent to anyone, not even my best friend... Well I could over the phone, but I mean it’s not quite the same as doing it face to face over a beer like you normally would when you have troubles.

Now comes the morning of the 26/3/20.
Laying in bed at 6am in the morning, I awoke to the phone call I was dreading. It was Frances’ mum! 
By this point I had my phone with me constantly and I was permanently in a state of panic whenever it rang.
Her mum said to me “she's been rushed down to the delivery ward and he is going to be coming soon.”

With this I shot up from my bed like Tyson Fury's miraculous undertaker moment on the last round of his fight with Wilder.

My eyes glazed over with tears and I couldn't even see.
I wasn't crying but I felt like I was... maybe I was. It was at this point I remember begging and pleading with her Mum saying "please, please tell them to save him", "please, please tell Frances we have to save him".
Her mum assured me she would do her best, but she explained Frances was out of it on gas and air. 
I lost count with the amount of times I felt angry at myself for not being there.
Trying to convince myself that if I was there it would all go smoothly because I have this magical wand I can wave... well so I wished. I finished the phone call with her mum asking her to give me any updates as soon as possible.

With a sense of numbness I made my way downstairs, I made a cup of tea, and to this day I don't know why, but I left my house with my cup of tea and went to the local shop that was about a 2 minute walk from me and I brought a packet of cigarettes. I don’t even smoke, but I just needed to do something and that's what came up.
I then, all the while crying my eyes out, went to my Mum’s. I didn’t even give covid or lockdown a thought at this point, and I'm sure in this circumstance even Boris would have turned a blind eye.

As soon as I saw my Mum I gave her a cuddle. I dont generally cuddle my mum, we just don't have that kind of relationship... but you know that cuddle that makes you just cry even more? Well that's what happend. I have never shown such raw emotion in my life, I was a wreck.
I explained everything to my Mum and I might aswell have been a poor little 5 year old lad who just needed his mum 😔

Soon I needed to be on my own to collect my thoughts and process everything. I went into the local woods and found a log to sit on, and here are some of the thoughts I had running through my mind:
1) do I know any premature babies? 
2) Is my baby going to die 😩/ will they save him? Will they even try?
3) Can babies even survive being born this small?
4) Can I even go and see him? 
These were just a few of many. Every time I thought of a question and considered an answer, another would creep in.

At 11:45 am approximately I got a phone call from Fran’s Mum! 
"Ethan, he's here". 
 
Oliver-Cash Lowther-Ryan 
Born at 11:31am 
At 23wks+0
610g

I had so much love and so many emotions.
The conversation was rather unclear, but Fran’s mum said "he's a fighter, he came out breach but he's moving his arms and they got the breathing tube in"
They rushed him down to NICU (not before Nanny grabbed a picture) 
Our boy had survived with the 3% chance they gave him, but this was just the beginning.
Now comes the 24hrs of waiting...

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