what do you mean I can't see him ? (8-24hrs)

Where to start...

So, the first 24 hours of our son being born.

Let me start by saying my son’s Mum was doing absolutely fine, apart from obviously going through the trauma of a premature birth and everything that comes with it.

In stark contrast, I was a complete wreck.

I was at home not able to see anyone or talk to Fran, plus, everything Fran’s end at the hospital was frantically busy so there wasn’t anyone with free time to give me any information. 

After the birth, they managed to fit my son with a breathing tube and all seemed well. It would be 8 hours before Frances could go and see our son. The waiting was unbearable, and due to covid and lockdown restrictions I couldn't even go to the hospital to see her or our son.

My only route of communication was through the phone, and obviously Fran needed to rest. So 8 hours of waiting for information felt like 8 days. I mean, 8 hours for a 23week baby is a long time; anything could go wrong. And that's all I could think about. 

Now I can sit back and think about everything that happened. And yea, I understand lockdown and understand the necessary restrictions, but I don’t think parents of newborns should be banned from visiting. Every parent has the right to be at their child's birth and go and be able to see their child. (More on this to come *)

Anyway, after the longest 8 hours of my life I finally got what I had been waiting for; I received photos and videos.

I couldn't believe what I was looking at, this was my first time seeing a micro-preemie and he was my son.

He looked like a baby, but not like anything I had ever seen. I dont know what I was expecting in all honesty, he didn't look ready to be here - which he wasn't - but here he was.

His skin looked red raw like he had been sun bathing on a beach in Spain and forgot to apply sun cream. He had a tiny little woolly hat to keep him warm and he was sheltered in this plastic incubator with more wires than I could count.

My gut instinct was to just get to the hospital... I had so many questions. I begged and pleaded but it was no use. Policy is policy. I remember Frances telling me "they are doing brain scans and checking him over but he is doing fine".

This is all I needed to hear, but I felt so useless.

My next question was one of great importance, “when can I come and see him ?" I asked Frances. I remember her going quiet so I asked again. The tone of her voice changed to a somber whimper and she said "Ethan I don't know, they’re not letting any one come in". Even her Mum who was birthing partner had to leave as soon as our son was born and was only allowed to return to bring clothes and essentials. She couldn't even go to nicu to see him and she was in the room when he was birthed.

As you can imagine, I felt like a bomb had exploded in my head. My eyes filled with tears and my heart sank. What should have been one of the most happiest moments of my life felt like a train wreck. I just wanted to be able to comfort my partner and see our new born baby... why in the world of covid isnt this possible?!

After the phone call with Fran I called the hospital myself, I was clearly distressed but polite and I asked why I could see him, but was met with the same response and I just had to accept it.

My thought process at that time was erratic...

“What do you mean I can't see my son?”

All I kept thinking was he “is going to die and I wouldn't even get a chance to tell him I love him”.

“Am i going to have to live with the fact he would never know who I am?”

I couldn't sit with him, couldn't touch him, couldn't even take a photo.

This is why I 100% belive parents should be exempt from covid rules at the hospital, for either nicu or full term healthy babies, as I said above, we are parents not just visitors.

It was later bought to our attention that our son had a grade 1 brain bleed. We might have even been told this at the time but there was too much going on I’m not sure I would’ve taken it in at that point.

Following on, the first 24 hours were going very well all the medical professionals seemed happy. They all claimed he was stable and doing well, but obviously we were to take one day at a time.

Frances came home the next day on the 27th to freshen up. She was the only on allowed in and out of the hospital. She obviously got more photos and videos for myself and the family when she went back the next day.

After she got back from the hospital she sent me some photos and she gave me some news.

"Ethan you can go and see him tomorrow.” Excuse my language, but I think my words were "oh my fucking god!”

I'd gone from being so upset to being overjoyed in such a short space of time my brain didn't know what was happening 🙃

I didn't care, I get to go and see my son...

Sat 28th: Dad’s first visit...