15th May 2021, digression, flash backs and panic.


This is a digression that I didn't intent to write; I just felt I needed to.
It's been 8 months since my son passed, and in them 8 months it's been a hell of a ride. (As you will soon read in upcoming posts)

It's the 15th of May 2021, just lying here in bed, and at the moment my life is stable to a degree, not perfect or how I imagined it, but it's good.
Then all of a sudden, out of no where this wave of guilt, panic and anxiety just passes over me, and I felt the need to look at pictures of Oliver.
This always ends in one of 2 ways, one I cheer myself up, or two I make myself feel worse untill I fall asleep.

Tonight tho I just feel I need to type, so here I am. I'm not overly sad; neither am I joyful. I should be as I have a fantastic daughter and many other things going good for me now, but it's hard to always see the positive.

The ball in the box is a fantastic way to describe things at the moment, and for me, tonight it's hit.


Everything feels like I have been transported back in time. If I think about it hard enough I can still feel his cheek on the backs of my fingers. I can smell his scent, the baby smell that was unique to him. I can here the sounds of the machines, and the chatter of the nurses.
And for a split second I can feel him squeeze my finger.

I have to live like this, and its an odd feeling. I love to remember, but I also hate to remember. Tonight I'm feeling robbed, I'm feeling angry and confused as to why. I guess realisticly why not, I'm not the first and I'm not the last, it just happens. 

I know some of this digression might not make much sense, as im just writing it as I feel it.

Tonight I am missing my son, I miss him all the time but im learning to cope, but Tonight, it's a night where I can't shake away the feeling.

I have some photos that I haven't posted before and they are special to me, they will never be posted. 
Looking at them photos feels me with pride and joy aswell as guilt. I wish i had spent every moment I could with him, talking to him and holding him. I feel guilty that I could have had more time, but realistically there wasn't, not between work and my daughter, so I shouldn't, but i do.

I hope I dream about him tonight; as sometimes I feel like I miss the process. Its like Stockholm syndrome, but for a traumatic event, I wana go back. I know going back won't change the outcome, but I'd do anything to have that time with him again, even if it was the hardest time of my life. 
I would live it over and over if it meant having him back.

Any way thanks for reading my rant, I feel slightly better now it's written down. 
Night everyone.

Please read next, digression pt8 accommodation.


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