⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ 4th July: its worse, warning graphic image ⚠️

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ warning graphic image below!⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

4th July: still upset and very concerned about his belly, I couldn't wait to go and see him. Oliver was doing so well considering, I mean you all saw the image so you can imagine where my head was at. Even tho it was a couple of days since I had seen the image I had hoped that it had improved. (Wrong) 

Going in I met with the nurse, she explaid Oliver was doing fine. His oxygen levels where good, and his blood gasses were at the levels they were happy with. 
This meant that he could possibly return to the conventional ventilator tomorrow.
I couldn't focus on where abouts we were on olivers journey. At one point we was going foward with the momentum of a steam train, and the next we was going backwards like bad game of snakes and ladders.

I guess we was making progress tho, however slow it may have been.
His infection markers were also reducing so this went a long way to making things easier to digest. His stomach was still swollen, but you could visibly see it wasn't as swollen as last time. Again he was just sound asleep and dosed up on meds.

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ NOW⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

Still on the 4th July: After sitting with Oliver for a while the surgeons came to see Oliver.
As they decided to check him I took myself out of the room. In this circumstance I knew what they would be looking at, and I couldn't bare to see it first hand. I did ask them to take a picture which they did.

The picture was bad enough, I don't think I could have handled it if I was to see him in pain while they looked ect.

Once the surgeons had finnished they met me outside. They explained that since the surgery his wound has opened up slightly more that they would like. They had  requested special dressings to be placed on his wound from the night before. From what they said, it
seems to be working at keeping it dry and aiding the healing process, but progress was slow.
While the surgeons where there they also did another xray, and it still showes that the bowel under the skin is fine and working, and there is no signs of build up fluid or leaks.

Going back in I already knew I wasn't going to like what I was going to see, but I asked anyway.
The nurse again said it might be upsetting, but I wanted to know. The surgeons said it opened up even more I explained. The nurse showed me the image on the screen and I was just taken back. 

Frozen, numb, puzzled and upset where some of the feelings I had. The wound was so angry and you could see the deterioration of his skin. This was like no other wound that I had seen. I could only but feel his pain, his discomfort, his distress. I had this sence of anger, how could this be, why is this happening. I wasn't angry at the surgeons they had done there job. I was angry at whatever higher power or whatever was giving us a right kick in the teeth. I'm not a religious person, but I just needed to be angry at someone and blame some one for putting us through this.
How many times did Oliver need to be put back, he had done everything to fight and go foward.

I was so angry, but with no one to be angry at you just turn the anger onto yourself, even though you know it's not your fault. Guilt slowly followed, again as before when I saw the first image. 
I have no idea how I was even still going let alone Oliver. The stress, the time and effort it took just to take the next day was unbelievable. I always thought to myself, I wonder what it will be that breaks me on this journey, but this wasn't it. If Oliver can do it, I have to do it for him.

There is something that will eventualy break me, but that's in a future post.


Another part of this is telling the family and showing them this image. They all knew what a fight and journey we were on, but this just took it to another level.
Leaving the hospital I remember getting a few beers on the way back to Ronald mcdonald house. I definatly needed to vent or just do something to relax myself.
 
I left him comfortable and well taken care of, also have a foot picture.

Next, it's leaking, but how what does this mean.

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